I’ve always treated him as a close friend, sharing everything with him and treating him sincerely. However, recently, I’ve come to realize that he seems to be treating me like a backup plan. He only comes to me when he needs help, but his attitude towards me is also very hot and cold, and he rarely contacts me unless necessary. But I don’t want to give up this cherished friendship so easily. After all, we’ve known each other for a long time and have many wonderful memories together. But continuing this way makes me feel suffocated. I don’t know how to deal with him anymore, and I’m really torn.
Mentor’s Analysis:
The reasons for this situation are complex. From the other person’s perspective, they may have complex and unclear emotional needs. On the one hand, they enjoy the care, support, and companionship you provide as a friend, while on the other hand, they are waiting for or searching for a more suitable partner. In this process, they fail to consider your feelings and selfishly place you in a backup position, exploiting your kindness and friendship to satisfy some of their own emotional needs.
From your perspective, you treat the other person as a friend and are sincere in your devotion, which demonstrates your value and sincerity in friendship. However, in your relationship, you may have been overly accommodating and failed to clearly define your boundaries and principles, allowing the other person to feel free to treat you as they please. Furthermore, your excessive attachment to the friendship makes you unwilling to give up even after realizing you’re being treated as a backup, which, to a certain extent, condones the other person’s behavior.
Furthermore, poor communication is a significant factor. You may lack in-depth and candid communication, resulting in you being unaware of the other person’s true feelings, and the other person being unaware of your awareness of being treated as a backup, thus perpetuating this unhealthy relationship. Long-term behavior like this will not only harm you emotionally and psychologically, but may also deprive you of the opportunity to develop healthy, equal friendships.
Mentor’s Advice:
First, you need to clearly define your boundaries. Carefully consider what behaviors are acceptable and what are absolutely unacceptable in the relationship. For example, if your partner only comes to you when they need help and ignores you the rest of the time, you can set a bottom line and inform them that you will only provide assistance when it’s reasonable and communicated in advance. Once you’ve established your bottom line, firmly adhere to it and make your principles clear to them.
Second, choose an appropriate time to have a candid conversation with them. Avoid accusations or complaints, but calmly express your feelings and concerns about the relationship. For example, find a quiet and comfortable place and say, “Lately, I’ve felt like there’s something wrong with the way we’re getting along. I’ve always considered you a good friend, but sometimes I feel like you’re being hot and cold toward me, only coming to me when you need help. This makes me uncomfortable. How do you view our relationship?” This kind of communication may help them recognize their own issues and allow you to understand their true feelings.
Furthermore, if, after communication, the other person is willing to change, respect your feelings, and establish an equal and healthy relationship with you, then you can give both of you a chance to readjust your relationship. However, if they continue to act on their own and disregard your feelings, you may need to consider gradually distancing yourself from the relationship. Don’t constantly beset yourself with guilt out of fear of loss. Believe that true friendship is based on mutual respect and care, and you deserve healthier relationships.
Finally, while adjusting your relationship with the other person, actively expand your social circle. Meet new friends and enrich your life. This will not only help you lessen your dependence on this unhealthy relationship, but you may also meet friends who truly share your interests and value you.
Netizen comment 1:
I think you should stop pursuing him. You’ve already realized he’s being treated like a backup, so why keep him around? He’s not worth your attention. You’re still trying to maintain the friendship, but he doesn’t take you seriously at all. You should be decisive and tell him directly that he shouldn’t contact you again. Then live a fulfilling life and make more reliable friends. Don’t waste your time and emotions on people like this, or you’ll end up hurting yourself.
User comment 2:
I think you should give the other person another chance. Maybe he doesn’t realize he’s treating you like a backup. Talking to him properly might help resolve the issue. After all, you’ve known each other for a while and have a foundation of feelings. If you give up on him, you might regret it later. Explain your thoughts to him and see how he responds. If he’s willing to change, everyone’s happy. If not, it’s never too late to distance yourself. Give each other a chance, and you might be able to salvage the friendship.
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